Disgraced coal baron, Don Blankenship, has declared bankruptcy after investing heavily in Kohl’s Cash.
"We heard a lot about data mining and krypton currency but I don’t know a miner that can fit inside a computer and I sure as hell don’t need to worry about Superman no more," said a now bald Blankenship, laughing maniacally. "Those investments didn’t make any sense to me. The next big thing was Coal’s Cash."
A source close to Blankenship tells The Ramp that the former presidential candidate (hahahahahaha sorry, it’s still funny) mistook the rewards program at the retailer, Kohl’s, known as Kohl’s Cash, for scheme to bring back the coal industry.
Shoppers are rewarded $10 in Kohl’s Cash for every $50 they spend in store or online with Kohl’s when they buy during a Kohl’s Cash earning period.
"It’s like the opening of the exchange when those earning periods begin." Blankenship said drooling all over our fucking note pad.
Blankenship had emptied out every Kohl’s location in the mountain state, making everyone else’s hard earned Kohl’s Cash worthless…or maybe it made them more valuable? We’re not sure. Our Kohl’s economist contact could not be reached.
“I blame a clerical error.” Said Blankenship, hanging his head atop his throne made of George Foreman grills. “I thought the value of my Coal’s Cash would soar just like Bitch Coin.”
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