WASHINGTON — Enthusiastic Joker fan and experienced restraining order-haver, Derrick Evans, was sentenced to one full trimester in prison. The former West Virginia delegate was reportedly seen lifting weights in his yard to prepare for his extremely lenient punishment, after live-streaming himself storming the Capitol.
“Derrick Evans is in the Capitol!” he screamed, implicating himself in a felony. Evans does not know when or where he will serve his time and is concerned about his children being fatherless for three months.
His children told Ramp reporters that they’re excited to “finally start digging into the literary works of Karl Marx”, and also noted that they’ve “been toying with ideas of anarcho-communism”. The littlest one said, “We might even get vaccinated.”
Evans’ favorite pastime was making women feel uncomfortable, scared, and threatened, but he no longer poses a threat to the women of West Virginia because the Supreme Court took care of that. He can also no longer own a gun, which makes him a pathetic excuse for a man.
Evans’ first trimester in prison is coming up fast! So what can he expect? This is such a new world for you, Derrick, and everyone has different experiences. But in situations like these, it’s best to prepare for everything! Nausea, fatigue, constipation, cravings, foggy-headedness, and sore boobs are all commonplace.
Feeling unwell? See the warden, he’ll tell you to “shut the fuck up, you little bitch.” Are you craving something really specific like a home-cooked meal or “not prison food”? Try mashing up your bologna sandwich with your instant mashed potatoes and pour a little unsweetened Kool-Aid on it — just like Shepherd's Pie! Boobs sore? That’s from being jumped during your initiation into the Nazi gang, it’ll go away.
So have fun, Derrick! This is a big step forward in all of our lives, and we wish you all the best! Who are we kidding, you conspiracy-peddling, gunless grifter?! We hope you get cucked! We hope a slightly taller, slightly better-looking man with a slightly bigger penis gives your wife her first clitoral orgasm, becomes the new man of the house, and your kids join DSA.
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