HUNTINGTON — A sudden uptick in Delta-8 found next to the cash registers at Speedway gas stations has raised some concerns among epidemiologists. Ramp reporters organized a Zoom call with a local group of scientists who are studying the unexpected spread of the “Diet Weed”.
Francis O’Connor, a virologist studying at WVU, said, “It’s less of a heady buzz. Your body is going to be nice and relaxed; it’s perfect for people who suffer from paranoia due to having weak and pathetic minds.”
We were pretty sure she was talking about us, and we spent the remainder of the interview trying to decide if she was mad at us. “There seems to be a connection, much like the Wuhan markets, to the roller dogs or quite possibly the Tornados.”
We had taken several rips of the Delta-8 we contracted from our recent trip to literally any gas station. I was freaking the fuck out, so much for it “not being very heady.”
I couldn’t stop thinking about how ungrateful I was that Christmas when I was nine.
And then that made me feel bad about how I pretended to believe in Santa Claus for several years in a selfish attempt to gain more material items.
And then that made me think about how not much has changed and to this day I place too much value on material wealth rather than relationships and experiences.
Our entire staff was having a super uncool time — nodding out, crying, laughing uncontrollably — typical middle school shit. In a desperate attempt to salvage a teensy amount of respect, we unplugged the router and pretended that we had an internet outage. When the smart people tried calling us, we turned off our phones.
We spent the rest of the evening on the couch, sharing an afghan blanket my aunt made me and watching Adult Swim. It was the best night of my entire life.
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