CABELL — Former District 16 House of Delegates candidate, Dakota Nelson, talked policy on his OnlyFans page this week. “I don't wanna just get fit...i'm tryna fit right in the middle of your next gassmm!”
Ramp reporters confirmed that the #cut #leanbean was certainly filling up our enthusiasm meter. We reached out to the ripped, young hardbody for comment. “I’m just giving the people what they want. A tight-bodied representative with a rock-hard and throbbing member.” Was it getting extremely hot in there, or was it just me?
We asked the primo stud about the controversy surrounding his rental property during the height of a global pandemic. He said, “you know, we live in a state where lowlifes and freeloaders don’t even want to pay rent. It’s pathetic. Here, let me show you how it all breaks down.”
Three hours and forty-five minutes later, his whiteboard was covered in complex mathematical hypotheses which proved his moral obligation to evict struggling tenants.
“This also demonstrates that if I raise rent now, I can exponentially increase the production value of my OnlyFans — outfits, sex toys, body oils. The possibilities are endless... Were you guys wanting to watch me grope my sex piece?”
Ramp reporters agreed and we each bought yearly subscriptions for a special discounted price that you missed out on because it was only running for that day… Our lucky day.
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