W. Va. — “Honey, honey, hunneeee… No.” Jonathan Van Ness said as he picked through the rustic Americana décor in the gift shop of Cracker Barrel. Ramp reporters caught up with the cast of Queer Eye as they undertook one of the most challenging makeovers in the show’s history. Van Ness added, "We're gonna make this place go from country store to Christian Dior!"
Cracker Barrel caused quite a stir on social media recently after removing nothing from the menu, but by adding vegan breakfast sausage for the woke-left snowflakes with dietary restrictions. Cracker Barrel executives decided to invite the experts from Queer Eye in to give the gift shop a makeover in hopes to break down the systematic and societal barriers by showing bigots the kindness and compassion that only extremely hot and confident gay men exude.
“See, when I walk in here, I don’t feel comfortable. I don’t feel welcome.” Karamo Brown told Ramp reporters. “And we need to have these uncomfortable conversations so that we can grow and learn from one another.”
Tan France took one look at the maroon aprons and said, “Ew. I’m sorry, darling, but you must know this isn’t working for you? Don’t you want to feel like the confident and elegant and sexy person that you know you are?”
Looking at the exposed wooden walls and rafters, Bobby Berk grimaced, whispering, “What year do they think it is in here?” He laughed, “This literally looks like my grandmother's house— she’s 93.”
Antoni Porowski perused the candy selection, tossing everything into the garbage. “This isn’t it. If we’re trying to appeal to a younger generation, we need candy that has been consumed in this millennium. We need to tie it all together with a central flavor that isn’t Werther’s Original.”
After unveiling the finished product, the boys showed off the new and improved country store. It was as if Urban Outfitters went to an EDM festival during Pride Month.
Unfortunately, the reopening did not go as planned. The typical, loyal clientele was waiting in line, and when the doors opened, it caused a bottleneck of confused and scared elderly racists who were unable to retreat from the fabulous renovations. First responders quickly became overwhelmed. 26 casualties are confirmed. 11 remain in critical condition. A mortified Van Ness said, "It's serving lawsuit."
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