HUNTINGTON— Last fall, the tragedy now known as “Overserved & Underage: The Sloshed Slaughter”, wreaked havoc on the community of Huntington.
While families mourned the loss of the thirty teenagers who died due to alcohol poisoning, the owner of the establishment, Mr. Jake, released the following statement:
“Our staff is dedicated to providing a safe environment for our community’s children to responsibly drink illegally, and we are committed to learning and growing from this heartbreaking tragedy when we open our new location.”
A vigil was held in Jake’s parking lot, where Jimmy John’s thought it would be appropriate to bring samples to crop up some new business.
Ramp reporters spoke with a survivor, Mellisa Sparks, who said, “I was fucking wasted. I was pronounced dead for twelve minutes. I, like, literally killed myself for less than five dollars. And not figuratively-literally, but, like, literally-literally. You just can’t get a deal like that anymore. It was super fun until everyone died — some permanently.”
Jake’s 25, which is listed under an entirely separate LLC, was easily able to obtain a new liquor license. Jake’s 25 is set to open doors with promotions like Penny Pitcher Night, Bring Your Child to Drink Day, and Drink Til You Drop, where cash prizes will be given out to patrons who can produce a copy of their death certificate.
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