CHARLESTON — The newly revealed Charleston Dirty Birds were found dead in a coal mine this morning. Official cause of death is Methane asphyxia. The Dirty Birds are deader than shit because of the harsh conditions of the coal industry that our state continues to stupidly stan, despite it being not that good or cool anymore.
West Virginia Power had just announced their name change to “Charleston Dirty Birds” and were shooting a promotional video in the depths of a mine owned by Governor Jim Justice whose skincare routine consists of all the blood on his hands. When the Birds started dropping one-by-one, whoever picked the name said, “huh! Well, that’s ironic! … That’s irony, right?”
Other names discussed were: The Black Lungs, Environmental Disasters, Child Laborers, Dying Industries, and the Donald J. Trumps.
Moments after the name change announcement, a parody account surfaced on Twitter — doing bird-shit jokes and other bird humor — frankly giving off a rather unpleasant vibe. We are pissed because we have to actually do real work to gain a following, and aren’t just some one-trick-low-hanging-fruit-eating-pony-bird.
While we are not yet powerful enough to take on parody accounts of the likes of Camden Park Updates, this is the perfect time to flex on a newly created account, where some guy has been just sitting around waiting for a minor league baseball team to change their name.
So far, they’ve done a Free Bird joke, a Roosters joke, and some jokes personifying the Dirty Bird as some sort of gallivanting, drug-using party animal, glorifying a lifestyle that is sinful and wicked.
The account will likely skyrocket and we will monitor the follower count, reluctantly and daily — reckoning with our gods over why we chose the path of artistic and journalistic integrity instead of just making a fucking Babydog novelty account.
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