HUNTINGTON— How would you want to be remembered after plummeting to your death from a roller coaster last inspected in the 1970s? Well, you’re in luck, because Camden Park has hired The Ramp’s very own staff reporter, Derek Doyle, to write up exemplary, heartfelt obituaries that will be included in the price of admission.
Doyle has shined in obituary writing in the past, receiving a Grimmy from The Society of Professional Obituary Writers in 2018. You may remember him from such hits as “C-ya Later, Alligator Jackson”, “Jesus, Take the Tweel”, “Robert C. Byrd: KK… not OK”, and “Chuck Yaeger: Hero, Husband, and Nazi Killer”.
Fellow Ramp reporter spoke with Doyle, who said, “look, you wanna be remembered for having a long and skinny penis? Thick and girthy? I don’t give a shit, put it in print. I’ll give you however long of a penis you want. You want a cool vagina? I’m not super-familiar with those, but I could do some research.” It was truly inspiring to listen to Doyle talk about his craft.
“I’ve been writing obituaries for fun since I can remember. I remember my mom waking me up one Saturday morning to tell me that my uncle had finally passed, and boy, I was so excited. I got right to work. If I remember correctly, he had an average-sized penis, but it was often described as ‘pretty’. My trick to writing a good obituary is to organize accomplishments and life events, and then craft it into poetry; an Ode to the life of the lost loved one. Oh, and be as explicit as possible when describing their genitalia.”
We are excited for Doyle to use his talents at Camden Park, memorializing patrons moments before their untimely deaths. You can take advantage of this special offer at Camden Park for the remainder of the summer, and while not included in the price of admission, several funeral homes will have booths set up to discuss arrangements while you’re waiting in line.
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