HUNTINGTON — Eight Cabell Huntington Hospital strikers made the decision to starve to death rather than eat John Mandt Jr’s homophobic and repulsive hot dogs. After negotiations failed earlier today, the only thing that could make things better was literally anything other than Stewart’s Original Hot Dogs hot dogs.
“I’ve been using August’s flood water to boil them in,” said a proud Mandt. “I’ve been looking for an opportunity to feign support for union workers, and these hot dogs were like four days old. I’ve been looking for ways to end the strike while simultaneously making it look like I care about workers.”
Samantha Austin, a cook at CHH, told Ramp reporters, “I wasn’t about to put my life in jeopardy. Eating a slimy-ass hot dog, looking like something from a Cronenberg film. Most of us are relying on the fat stored in our bodies.” She fainted.
Ambulances arrived to shuttle strikers to St. Mary’s—a hospital that is adequately staffed and not riddled with scabs. Those taken to the hospital were malnourished, food poisoned, or grossed the fuck out.
If you or anyone you know have recently consumed anything from Stewart’s Hot Dogs, please contact Poison Control at 1-800-222-1222. And could someone please just buy the strikers some Hot-N-Readies?
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