HUNTINGTON — In an unbelievable turn of events, the untrained scabs replacing striking Cabell Huntington Hospital workers aren’t doing as well as the workers they replaced.
Ramp reporters spoke with Cabell Huntington Hospital Chief Operating Officer, Tom Martin, who had his feet propped up on a mahogany desk, smoking a Cuban. He said, “Yep, it’s bizarre, all right. Who would have thought that a bunch of strangers who haven’t worked in this environment, are inexperienced, and don’t have proper training would come in and start fuckin’ everything up? Oh well, whaddaya gonna do? We just gotta keep on keepin’ on and we will utilize any means necessary.”
We asked if this meant meeting the striking workers’ demands, and he said, “Woah woah woah, buddy. Any means necessary. I think I was talking more along the lines of letting the rest of our staff and our patients suffer through preventable delays and fuck-ups in the operating room during a global pandemic, you know, stuff like that. We’re not about to cave to a bunch of losers who just want to ‘feed their families’.” He was doing big air quotes.
The strike was initiated when the hospital, which profits several million dollars a year by providing healthcare, decided to no longer provide healthcare to its employees. Which I guess is irony?
Tom Martin blew fat cigar clouds as he waxed philosophical, “The Hippocratic Oath–which only applies to doctors, by the way–‘First, do no harm’? Yeah, that’s really more about someone in the act of, like, doing surgery or something. It actually has nothing to do with players in supporting roles. Cabell Huntington Hospital will continue to do everything in its power to appropriately place blame on the striking workers and gaslight the shit out of them, all while managing to provide substandard care and force the remaining workers to carry the burden of their co-workers’ absence.
Oh, and we took away the striking workers’ benefits too, that should help. People will die, sure. People... will die. But it’s been a tough year, a bunch of people are dead! These people just think they deserve healthcare provided from a healthcare provider.”
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