ATHENS — A body was found just outside Pipestem State Park Monday evening. Completely multilated, the age, sex, and cause of death are currently unknown. The only clue investigators have at this time is the phonetic spelling of “App-uh-LATCH-uh'' carved into the skin.
While waiting for the autopsy report, undercover officers did not wait idly. They visited popular, locally owned coffee shops and dropped bait lines such as, “‘App-uh-LAYSH-uh’ is just so adorbz!” and “I would never live here, but it’s, like, totally quaint,” as well as, “I don’t know why these people wouldn’t just move.”
The undercover officers have yet to obtain any leads and confirmed with Ramp Reporters that “this is an ongoing investigation, so if you don’t have any useful information, please… stop calling us every fifteen minutes,” but it would take a lot more than a request to stop calling every fifteen minutes to get us to stop calling every fifteen minutes.
It appears as though the officers are too busy drinking their diet soy mocha lattes and pretending to be out of touch yuppies to field the important calls from the Pulitzer Prize winning journalists at The Ramp. That’s cool. Not a big deal. We’re not mad. Like, at all.
UPDATE: If anyone knows the whereabouts of the undercover officers, please contact your local law enforcement officials.
UPDATE: Another body has been found outside of an Athens coffee shop without any identifiable features other than a carving of the correct phonetic pronunciation of “Appalachia”.
UPDATE: Officials have taken a Ramp Reporter into custody.
UPDATE: Cellular phone tracking has placed our reporter in the office, working on this big story, at the estimated time of the murder. And we can also vouch for him because we were here too and we had just finished watching that YouTube video of the little baby that eats wasabi and says, “help” in a really soft and cute voice.
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