MILTON — “Everyone knows it’s against the law to be in possession of fireworks after Independence Day.” Officer Troy Damron told Ramp reporters, “When I saw those little shits loitering on the public sidewalk, my Spidey Senses started tingling — that’s what I call it when I’m profiling citizens.”
Officer Damron screeched his vehicle onto the sidewalk, unholstered his gun, and reportedly screamed, “Get the fuck on the ground, you little shit stains!” The high school children dropped their bags of McDonalds and Damron allegedly taste-tested the new Crispy Chicken Sandwich, citing “it’s not as good as Popeye’s but it’ll do in a pinch.”
Covered in urine and tears, one teenager consented to having his bag searched by saying, “Do whatever you want, just please don’t kill me. Please.” Officer Damron removed his handgun from the back of the child’s head, and began rifling through his personal belongings.
“An inhaler? Pussy. Magic The Gathering Cards? Nerd. Jimmy Buffet’s Greatest Hits? Okay, that’s actually kinda cool. Well, well, well… lookie what we have here.” Damron called for backup when he saw the illegal paraphernalia, “Looks like we’ve got some paper snappers here, some Black Snakes, and a bottle rocket — which I assume is why he has this bottle of Mountain Dew.”
At the police station, Officer Damron was greeted with hugs, high-fives, chest bumps, and somehow they had already had a custom ice cream cake made. Damron told Ramp reporters, “Whether it’s a very small amount of shitty marijuana or M-80 firecrackers or whatever, MPD is dedicated to making this community super lame and less fun.”
The officers were then seen in the parking lot, shooting each other with finger-guns and throwing the paper snappers at one another, giggling like teenagers who hadn’t yet been traumatized by an overzealous police department.
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