FAYETTE COUNTY — Bridge Day suffered a teeny tiny little set back this week after the literal only fucking reason anyone would go to the damn thing, the BASE jumpers, announced they would not be attending. Just as the event looked like it was doomed, the American Contract Bridge League (ACBL) stepped in to save the day.
They will be holding a duplicate bridge tournament where one lucky gal can take home the big prize of almost one hundred dollars!
Some people were saying, “What’s the fucking point of having Bridge Day?” and, “They should cancel this shit show. Without BASE jumpers it’s literally just vendors on a bridge on the highway.” Well, how do those words taste now? Don’t you feel stupid?
We’ve got some of the biggest names in West Virginia bridge getting hype and ready to lay down their cards!
Agnes Humphries.
Florence Thomas.
Cora Crawford.
And many more!
The ladies are about to bring their ‘A’ bridge game to Bridge Day and West Virginia residents couldn’t be more excited! We spoke with Harris McCoy who said, “I was initially disappointed when I heard I wouldn’t get to see those ballsy thrill-seekers jumping off one of the highest vehicular bridges in the world… but when I heard Gretchen Stockton was going to be playing in the bridge tournament, I was screaming. I know she’s going to win, and I hope I get to meet her.”
There is certainly a blessing in disguise here. When West Virginia’s Governor botches a pandemic and uses an overweight English Bulldog as a failed political prop while spending most of his time trying to get a job coaching little boys’ basketball — sure, we might lose the only “exciting” and “cool” and “unique” aspect to the singular event that sets our state apart from the 49 others… but just as we did at The Battle of Blair Mountain in 1921, we as West Virginians will rise up, persevere, and I cannot, for the life of me, figure out where I was going with this.
Anyway, Bridge Day isn’t cancelled for some reason. So go on down there and check out a bunch of vendors on a bridge. It’ll kinda be like The Pumpkin Festival but without a fall theme or pumpkins. It’ll kinda be like a theme park but without the rides. It’ll mostly be a joyless gathering of idiots spreading the COVID-19 Delta Variant on US-19 — but that bridge tournament is going to be INSANE.
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