HUNTINGTON — Alligator Jackson (and his dog of the same name) were seen at Pullman Square last weekend “having a stroke” from lack of hydration, as Jackson described on his Facebook Page. After the fiasco, Jackson was allegedly spotted staying hydrated with his brand-spanking-new Ramp koozie — available now at therampnews.com! They were printed lovingly by the professional folks at Southside Printing!
Jackson, whose dog has more political sway than Mayor Steve Williams, bravely posted through what was either a stroke or low blood sugar. Onlookers offered absolutely no help at all, until Ramp reporters offered up a cool Koozie containing ice-cold, fresh spring water with a perfect pH level of 7.
“This is great.” Jackson told Ramp reporters. “I was about to literally die because of those Chinese bastards. I’m going to report their asses!” Then little AJ dog said, “Yeah man, it was pretty fucked up. These pieces of shit roll into our town, profit off of us, and don’t even have the basic decency to give us some fucking water. I know you got it back there. And then these other godless heathens just stood around, watching us die. What the hell happened to society?” … What an adorable little dog.
After receiving the Official Ramp News Koozie, AJ and AJ skipped through Pullman Square together, singing, “We’re not gonna die! We’re not gonna die! All hail The Ramp News and their awesome merchandise! And only five dollars too!” Kind of a strange little tune, but we're here for it!
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