1. Cousin Kissing Booth
C’mon, man. Really? These bullshit Appalachian stereotypes haven’t been topical comedy fodder for years.
2. Stewart’s Original Bologna Sandwich Eating Contest
Stewart’s recently rebranded after realizing that eating hot dogs looked kind of gay. Stewart’s was denied a booth after the only customers at the Hot Dog Festival (our reporters) got sick off of those nasty-ass baloney bologna sandwiches.
3. STEM+Meth Lab
Science, Technology, Engineering, Mathematics, and frankly art! But ultimately it came down to the smell.
4. Freak Show Tent
These are some of the freakiest freaks found in the state. We’ve got people who voted for Obama! We’ve got people who voted for Joe Biden! Step right up and criticize how many genders they think there are. Booth denied for stealing the 2020 election.
5. COVID-19 Vaccination Tent
[This has been removed due to misinformation about COVID-19]
6. Derrick Evans Social Media Seminar
This guy is a powerhouse influencer. He’ll out-meme Wendy’s for Christ’s sake. He’ll teach you how to really stir up a commotion surrounding your brand! Unfortunately, Evans is unable to attend this year.
7. Brownwater Rafting Simulator
Whitewater is so last summer. Brownwater is in! It’s the same thing, except brown! The application was denied because the aluminum and lead levels were disturbingly high.
8. Moonshine Tasting
Sounds great, in theory, but during a trial run every single one of the participants shidded.
9. Pelosi Dunk Tank
She can’t weasel out of this one! Well, actually she can and she did. Nancy Pelosi will not be attending.
10. Petting Zoo Hunting
Everyone was really excited for this one, but there weren't any animals left for the petting zoo.
11. Baby Tattoo Booth
Imagine all the toddlers with “Mommy” tattoos!
12. WV Green Party Outreach Booth
LOCKN’ is the same weekend so Seth and Amy can’t make it. The party’s other three members couldn’t get a ride from Thurmond.
13. Frontier Wi-Fi Booth
Come and try the creeping low speeds of your least favorite internet provider. After a bit of troubleshooting, Frontier was unable to provide services in the Lewisburg area.
14. Smash a Prius with a Sledgehammer
Just $5 for 5 minutes. The booth was actually approved, but none of the volunteers were willing to drive the piece of shit to the fairgrounds.
15. Gun Range
Bring your own gun or use one of ours! We ran a background check on the business owner… not safe.
16. Paula Jean’s Top Ramen
Paula Jean’s cookbook is out now. She was going to set up a tent and cook her famous beanloaf, but when she heard about ticket pricing, she didn’t want to cater to the wealthy elite.
17. Bobbing for Apples, Sponsored by Massey Energy
After testing, the apples just kind of turned into a greenish sludge.
18. Miniature Mountain Top Removal
Bring the kids to practice the dying miniature profession of ravaging these replica Appalachians of their natural resources and beauty! Your tiny little children, tiny little bulldozers, BIG progress in the fight against those damn environmentalists. It would have been a hit, but Don Blankenship already mined the coal to power his model train.
19. John Wilkes Booth
The remains of the noted thespian, Confederate sympathizer, and notorious presidential assassin are interred at the Green Mount Cemetery in Baltimore, Maryland.
20. Foster to Adopt Booth (Featuring John Mandt Jr’s Abandoned Children)
John Mandt abandoned his children because he was incredibly homophobic and they didn’t like it, so now they have no father and they want to come live with you! It doesn’t really matter what you feed them — have you tried his food?
21. Kinship Foods
$15 vegan ramp wraps, gluten free pepperoni rolls, and pawpaw kombucha. BOOTH DENIED.
22. Just Another Booth
This is just another booth where 6-year-olds can pick up a Tupac zippo and obtain flavored Swisher Sweets. We didn’t need another one.
23. Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum Tour Sign-up Booth
Had the word “trans” in it.
24. Purdue Pharmaceuticals (featuring The Sackler Family!)
The Sackler Family was feeling pretty bad about purposely mis-advertising the addictive qualities of their products and pushing millions of pills into the state causing hundreds of thousands of deaths nationwide and then profiting off of opioid addiction treatment, so they wanted to reach out to the community to get to know them. The fully air conditioned booth will provide champagne and dining for the Sacklers and will display some of their favorite pieces of fine art. The Sacklers planned on flipping nickels at residents as an act of recompense, but then they decided not to attend citing “we have better shit to do.”
25. Pin the tail on Patrick Morrisey
Morrisey declined to participate because he ain't about to look like a donkey (stupid dems) and he would never do anything to make the lives of West Virginians even the slightest bit better.
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